Wednesday, September 17, 2014

taking extra precautions

The cop at my child's school yesterday totally called me out. Noah and I walked Lily to the door, I crouched down to her level.. hug, kiss, "I love you," and asked if she remembered where to go. Yes.. and she was off into school. We stood waiting for her to walk all the way in before we turned around. The cop standing nearby turned to me and said something like "she'll be fine, mom." I laughed confirmed that I knew she would be. I pointed down at Noah and said "at least he cries about it more than I do."

Which, now that I've typed it out.. sounds like a really, really weird thing to say. But, I just meant the previous time he and I had brought her to school, he cried when she got to go into the building and he didn't. So, of course.. in that moment he didn't make one peep. He just watched her walk away and then turned with me to leave. Thanks a lot, Noah.

When I was in elementary school, a hundred years ago, parents were allowed in the building. Even when I was in high school. There were no police, or security guards.. not even video cameras. And all the doors were always unlocked.. the windows even opened!

Now, I can't even pick my own child up from school without proper ID. Which is good, it's good that they are being safe, but..

The first week of school, I forgot my ID. Like getting out of the car at her school, oh shit, full-on freak out I forgot my ID. And I'm pretty darn sure they weren't going to let me take her.. two teachers started lecturing me about needing to have my ID and that it didn't matter that I had it yesterday, etc. Finally Lily's teacher came back to where we were and okayed that I wasn't stealing anyone.

Since then, I've also found a second ID.. AND set an alarm on my phone to go off 20 minutes before I need to be at Lily's school that yells "DO YOU HAVE YOUR ID?????" When it goes off.. I make myself take it out of my pocket, put it back (very important).. and THEN turn off the alarm. I suspect that routine is going to get really old, really fast.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Where my heart goes

Leading up to (Lily's) kindergarten, I really thought I would cry. I didn't know when.. but I just really, really thought I would. Something about the ending of one thing and the beginning of another was going to get me.

I talked about the end of preschool for at least a week. Lily didn't seem that sad about it.. she didn't even want to go. I told her if she didn't, then they weren't going to let her go to kindergarten. (I lied, obviously.) But she believed me, I guess, and went on all of her days.

The last day came.. and I asked Lily if she was going to be embarrassed if I cried. She said she wouldn't be. And.. also that she didn't want me to cry.. so she would cry for me. I let her know how nice that was, but I certainly didn't want her to cry.. or be upset.

She's not a crier really. She doesn't get upset about things like no longer seeing the people she's seen every week for the last 2 years. So, imagine my surprise when I picked her up on that last day.. and she had tears in her eyes. "What happened?!" I asked her.

She had really cried.. so that I didn't have to. And at that.. I almost cried. She said goodbye to her teachers. They said goodbye to her. And me. One of them hugged me. Everyone hugged her. And.. it was the closest I came to crying- I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, my voice starting to waver. It was over and I couldn't believe it. My child has grown up so much in the last two years. It was almost painful for me to let that part of us go.

But.. then came kindergarten day one- so so quickly. I couldn't stop it, just had to hold on and make it seem as exciting as I could. I brought her into the school, she found her place, sat down, and.. and that was it. From behind her, I had to tap her on the shoulder for a hug.

She was fine. She always is. A girl from her preschool is in her class. Her best friend from preschool is in a nearby class with two boys that she knows as well. She yells "Hi S-!" every time we see her. Every afternoon when I pick her up "There's A! Bye A-, bye! A-! A! Bye!" I love her. She has no fear. She loves everyone she loves- and she lets them know.

Every day since her new school started.. she just goes. She's confident. We walk to the door and she knows where she's going.. just walks off into the building and doesn't look back. It still crushes me just the tiniest bit when I let her hand go and she's off. I turn around and look into the faces of the other parents dropping their kids off and the teachers helping students off the buses and wonder if they can tell that the sun isn't really in my eye as I squint.. pretending it is.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

new shades

Five years ago was the last time I had an appointment with my eye doctor. Until yesterday. A lot has changed- they use dry erase forms instead of paper ones and they take your blood pressure.

But they still have a row of machines that shine crazy lasers in your eyes and flash unbelievably bright lights at you. And then you get to the final machine where you need to push a button every time you see a white spot. Seriously? At that point ALL I was seeing was white spots. And blue spots.. red spots.. green spots. I think they should seriously consider rearranging the order of things.

The good news is I probably don't have glaucoma. Probably. The pictures they took 5 years ago look exactly the same.. so I'm safe. For now.

And although they tricked me into using their new fangled technology for an extra $25, instead of having my eyes dilated.. they want me to come back in order to have my eyes dilated. Blank stare..

My prescription changed so insignificantly that I couldn't tell which was better between the adjusted lenses in the machine and my own glasses.

I probably won't get new eye glasses, but I did go back again today, with Noah, to pick out some prescription sunglasses. I've worn glasses to some degree or another since I was in eighth grade.. I have never gotten sunglasses. (Very exciting stuff!) Noah had the greatest time trying things on himself and I couldn't believe how calm (and still) he was during the ordering process. [He is not a still child.. more like a here, let me climb the wall while you have your back turned for a split second child.) He sat in the swivel chair next to me quietly checking out the ceiling, the lady next to him, and other 2 year old interests.

I thought any second the woman next to Noah was going to say something to me, because she kept leaning forward and looking around the back of his chair, like she was trying to see what he was doing. I even smiled at her, when she briefly made eye contact with me.. giving her a window to say something if she wanted to. But she never did- just looked away. Thinking back, it seems weird that she didn't because she was being pretty obvious about it. I don't think she even smiled at him.. or said hello.

People that take that kind of interest/notice of your kids always say something. Anything. Even if its to comment 'how cute' they are or to ask how 'how old?' Even if its just something like 'he does really well with that [ipad]'.. leaving you with not much to say back other than 'oh I know, he loves it.' Maybe I should have told her to stop being nosy. I don't know..

People are so weird. That's why we have cell phones. And iPads. And whatever other things help us to pretend we don't notice other people noticing us.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

and then..

I've had pneumonia for two weeks. Probably longer, I just didn't realize it. After the first round of antibiotics, I was getting worse instead of better. (NOT, what one hopes to hear after getting a second xray, by the way.) After another round of new antibiotics .. I actually felt worse even though I was finally getting better.

The entire thing has been.. annoying.. I guess. I haven't ever felt horribly sick, mostly just out of energy and breath. Which, actually, is pretty unpleasant if you've never experienced it. It's totally different than what happens when exercising, etc. That kind of out of breath.. when you stop, slow down, etc.. you start breathing more regularly. With this.. it takes a long time. You sit and do nothing.. and even still it knocks the heck out of you for the entire day.

Just walking at a normal pace across the parking lot into the doctor's office.. I couldn't do it. I slowed way, way down.. and was still out of breath by the time I got inside. The first thing the doctor said  to me was "you look like you're in pain.. I saw you coming in."

So.. what do you think taking care of a 5 year old and a 2 year old all day is like when you have pneumonia and are constantly out of breath just in your own house? Unbelievably, my children have actually been fairly understanding about it all. Now. Now they are. If this had happened a year ago? I'd have probably been in the hospital by now.


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