Dear Lily and Noah,
When I left this morning, I hugged you goodbye, and told you to be good. I said "I love you" and you told me the same (those of you that could). It's the same ritual every time.
It's hard for me to put into words why, and certainly not words that a 4 year old and 10 month old can understand. And maybe not even words that anyone other than a mother.. a parent could understand. It has to do with the heart.. the soul- your inside being. And there are often no words that can explain those things. But, the older and more "mommy" I've gotten.. the more I've come to understand it.
I've always hugged you and loved you, but I used to sometimes forget that even when I was in a rush out the door- there is never anywhere I can't be at 10 seconds later. Now, I always indulge you in that one extra hug or kiss or game of patty cake or "pretend hug" or whatever else.
Because you guys are, without question, the most important things to me.
I was happy, as usual, to see you both when I came home from my appointment. You played while I did the dishes, started laundry, and picked up a few things around the house. When I was done, I sat down at my computer. I read my email and looked at what I'd missed on Twitter. I saw that someone had written.. "Thoughts and prayers to Connecticut" followed by another that used words like "saddened," "tragedy," and.. the worst one.. "Elementary." Oh. God.
I did a search for the school they named: Sandy Hook. And nothing has been the same since.
Again, it's hard for me to find the words. Especially because of you, Lily, on the verge of starting Kindergarten. I am devastated.. so very, very sad.. and sick. Over a bad thing that happened to so many little people, just a little older than you, while they were at school. Such a bad, horrible thing.
There are some families that will never get to see the people they love again. There are some boys and girls that went to school this morning, but won't ever get to go home or play or have Christmas again. And the ones that do.. will never ever be the same, no matter how many hugs and kisses they get from their mommies and daddies.
And that makes me so sad. So sad for them and so sad that this is the world you are growing up in. I am so sad and scared that these things happen. It's hard for me not to cry.
All day since, I have been sad. And all day since, I have tried hard to be a better mommy for you. Because that's all I can really take away from the bad thing that makes no sense. It's the little bit "okay" along with the scariness- that so many mommies, daddies, and little ones are getting and giving a lot of extra hugs tonight. Us included.